Oscillating Between Calm and Chaos
On going back to uni, navigating the New Year, science, art, embarassment, and romance. The desire for clarity and the chaos of the world, and when it's the opposite. Welcome to January.
I went back to university and I’m so lonely again
We’re slowly coming back to life, seeing rays of the sun after months of gray. I got a cold within a week of the new year, starting what I suspect will happen again until the sun comes with hot weather. They’ll come hand in hand, melting the gray away, we’ll hope they decide to stay, and after a while, we’ll trust that winter has gone, and breathe freely.
I study health, learning about all the external causes of our ills, yet I’m naturally inclined to think that I’m sick because I didn’t wear my hat yesterday, I didn’t sleep because it will rain tomorrow, I’m tired because my mind is going too fast. Despite spending most of my time pursuing science, instincts tell me it’s beyond what I’ll learn in a lab, that there is as much wisdom within my body as in my textbooks, acquiring it comes with introspection, not readings. So before I open the anatomy book, I write, and after biology, I meditate. I’m living in a limbo of within and outside, oscillating between the physical and the spiritual.
Life has been slow recently, in a semi hibernating state humans generally don’t allow themselves to dwell in for too long. Over winter break, my first of university, I surprised myself about a week in how I was starting to feel different, to relax, to wake up later and not feel guilty. What made it so astounding was that I didn’t feel overwhelmed before, how I had not realized this wasn’t the state my body and brain thrived in, how constant overload was not supposed to be the default. The pressure to be productive slowly left me and I stopped thinking about what I study at all. In fact, I was consuming more art, going to museums often, reading poetry, watching movies. What a few weeks ago was on my mind, that I convinced myself I loved, and I think I still do, was not what I had on my mind without the pressure of deadlines. I found myself longing for the creative, the timeless, the social, much more than I had allowed myself to before. I guess it made me rethink what actually matters and realize how easy it is to delude yourself into thinking what you’re spending your time on is what you want to do. Before the break, there was no space to think about anything else, and I appreciate having had that much needed change of perspective. Now, it’s a matter of convincing myself I love it still, hoping to find the same clarity in science as I do in art.
I’m back on campus and I feel like the mouse but it’s okay, I’m redirecting my energy in a positive way.
Maybe saying affirmations will save me somehow?
Seeing myself through a writers gaze, being the omnipotent director of my own life’s movie, doing things for the plot, so they’ll sound good in my future memoir, noticing shifts and labeling them as my eureka moments, so some day i’ll recall them in a talk i’ll give: ‘I went to my first conference at 18, and that’s when I knew I wanted to be on that stage someday’ and I will do everything I can to realize these prophecies. Because the artist’s gaze is manifestation, it’s affirmations and visualizing that what I want already IS. It is all within me and my future self is looking back, my hand held by her every step of the way. Ancestral wisdom flowing though my veins, my inner child ressurected and in control of my actions. The writer’s gaze is seeing your future best friend in that girl at the bus stop, it’s trust in the universe to bring you luck, it’s harmless superstition for the sake of it, it’s cultivating energy, prana, for it to make me feel divine, and knowing that it will come back to me soon if I let it out in the universe. It’s asking stangers questions, believing that they know things I dont, and that I can learn from everybody. It’s sonder. It’s asking that boy for his number because worst case he’ll say no, and he’ll laugh, and I’ll laugh because life is funny that way, and nothing matters, and I am secure enough to know that he missed out, and I avoided a mistake. Because I TRUST, the universe, for clarity, for guidance and for love. Because everything is connected and what’s meant will be, and in the meantime we can only be present and enjoy the ride, looking slightly ahead, even less behind, and know that it all works out in the end.
She is single and breaks her own heart
I subject boys who I know nothing about to my fantasies, and resent them when they don’t play a role I assigned them. I blame the universe for my bad luck, and hate all men for shattering my ‘tiny sensitive heart’. My inner dialogue reminds me that I’ve known him for a week, and a dozen other things have contributed to me lying on the bathroom floor, a single tear dropping, my face sour and my body clenched. As he went through the door he didn’t look back to see if I was following. He turned right because he had somewhere to go, and if I went along did not matter. I turned left. I also had places to be (my bathroom floor). I let myself get stepped on by stangers, my expectations grow bigger than they ever should have. I don’t even know his last name.
On embarrassment therapy
In January I make a point of embarrassing myself at least twice a day. Most times accidental, leaving my microphone on while brushing my teeth during online class, tripping in the snow, the likes. Other times, on purpose. Making sure that the next thing I do will put me out of my comfort zone, embarrass me for a minute or an hour, then the embarrasment will feel trivial. Never will anyone remind me of that one time I asked a stanger where her coat was from and was met with side eyes, or when I attempted to make a joke and failed miserably. I am somewhat accomplished at embarrasing myself now. I got desensitized. I decatastrophized. Now I go about my day doing safely unhinged things, talking to people I don’t know, walking backwards when the snow hits my face, despite it looking stupid. It’s okay, I think, I’m only here for a couple decades. I’ll be forgotten even if I become the most accomplished person there’s ever been, so why not have fun while I’m here, nobody cares anyway.
Did January fly by or am I delusional?
Everybody’s January highlight always includes the New Year, that’s the magic of universal holidays. Everybody is setting goals, feeling refreshed, alive again. Besides that, however, there’s not much going on for me, but everything is moving way too quickly. Days are slow, but years go fast. January flew by and I don’t remember what happened. I was on vacation until the 9th, and I’m now midterm season is starting. I met a dozen of incredible people, but didn’t connect with them as well as I hoped to. Plans are starting to take place, February, the spring, my ache for summer becoming a reality with each minute the sun sets later. It’s nostalgic too, looking back at a year full of chaos, closure and begginings, and anticipating the new one, hoping to set the pace and to bring new energy into our lives. I was never a resolutions girl, but I always gave significance to milestones, taking time twice year to reflect and look ahead, once around new year’s then in July, my birth month. I journal, I relfect, I go through memory boxes and camera roll. I apologize and set intentions with the ones I hold dear. I let go and I manifest.
January was a wild ride at times, a lonely month, a messy month, and a perfectly balanced one. And that’s beautiful. Waking up fresher than ever, and facing a storm, going to bed overwhelmed and waking up motivated again. Or vice versa, who knows. It’s challenging and unpredictable, fun and overwhelming. It’s a balancing act, when we go between calm and chaos, but I love coming out of it with a story to tell, anticipating what next to come.
On that note, I’ll bring my January entry to an end. I love how it turned out to be a small collection of musings, maybe this format will stick. Until you find me in your inbox again, here are a few songs, movies and readings I reccomend.
Books I read in January:
Arrête avec tes mensonges (Lie with me), André Besson
I loved getting back to reading in french, this was beautiful, melancholic and reflective. 4/5
The Daily Stoic, Ryan Holiday
This is one of those ‘one page a day’ books. I liked starting my day with this, and am proud to say I haven’t skipped a day. I can’t review this yet, but I' must say that everybody should read to nurture their mind and soul, and philosophy is wisdom that will alter you.
Here are some movies I’ve watched recently
Vivre sa vie, 1962
My second attempt at watching Godard movies, my first being Pierrot le fou a couple of years ago. I loved Nana’s small bits of wisdom, dispite often being ignred by the men she interacts with, there’s a certain one dimentional aspect to her, when I first think about it, but upon further reflection she’s a lot more than what she comes off as. Watch this is you love: tragic stories, dancing whenever you feel like it, Paris in the 60s.
Maurice, 1987
I liked this a lot, the academia settings,the forbidden romance, Hugh Grant’s hair (in the first half). I was left wanting more, wishing the characters a lifetime of love. This is for those who like: rolling in grass with your lover, the old money aesthetic, church music.
Frances Ha, 2012
I LOVED this movie. It was relatable, funny, akward at times and very human. Watch it if you love: the turmoils of friendships, coming of age movies, dancing in the street.
Other fun things:
I opened an Etsy shop! It’s a baby project for now, but I’m working on growing it. Check it out if you’re looking for journaling templates.
The Diary Pinterest, where you’ll find what inspires me.
Thank you for reading and take care!
what did you watch this month??