One year later

Reflection on writing, on not writing, and on what's to come.

It’s been about a year since I created this publication and almost one year since I gave up on it. Is it appropriate to celebrate, when I didn’t write much? I don’t feel like celebrating.

In one of my entries I mentioned, I was on vacation, and a year later I am once again on break. Am I a fraud for writing only when I have time? Probably. In fact, I always feel like a fraud when writing. It’s hard to let go and write with creativity. In school, I never really gave it my all for poetry assignments, the thoughts I had I didn’t dare translate on paper for someone to read, for fear of being judged. It’s so intimate, writing. I couldn’t do it.

I follow an account called Chloe in letters on Instagram, she writes so beautifully, without restraint. Do check her out if you’re interested, she also has a blog. Anyway, Chloe once shared writing prompts that I screenshotted, I don’t remember exactly what they were, but there was a mention of an exercise to get going, it consisted of writing without stopping or correcting for a certain amount of time, and maybe that’s just what I need.

Sometime last year, I tried following the artist’s way workbook, but only the morning pages exercise, where you write for x amount of time/pages. And when writing, you eventually run out of updates to give, thoughts to share, and what’s really been on your mind comes out. It’s somewhat magical how our subconscious comes out when our conscious runs out of words. Maybe that’s what I need.

I had exams last week, so for a while before that, I’ve been studying. I mostly study sciences, and they haven’t been inspiring lately, which is why I’ve been feeling guilty about not being able to focus. Now, however, I’m free of that and can do whatever. It’s only been a few days since I finished the tests and I’ve once again found inspiration. It’s the little things: journaling, making a mood board, reading, music, baking. The small pleasures that inspire, that drive my logical brain back into creativity.

While I can’t promise I’ll commit to writing, I’m not going to officially give up. I know ill feel the imposter syndrome for a long time, so ill go easy on myself, let go of expectations, and stop comparing myself to the best writers out there. I’ll also publish old drafts.