Let the light in
Please give a warm welcome to this current mood. April is the beginning of a new era, a month of firsts and the promise of new possibilities.
I am never as obsessed with warmth as when it’s cold, wet and grey out. April is coming and I am reborn, brand new, a baby fawn in the greenest meadow, discovering light after hibernating for a season.
I ache for June, hot nights, midnight walks, and morning coffee on the terrasse. March is dull, type-A, awkward, eternally upsetting. Classes are cancelled so I rot at home, spending hours on my laptop, catching up on lectures, looking for jobs. It’s so anticlimactic being 18 and for the first time responsible for having a plan for the four months I’ll be spending out of school, useless. Summer used to mean lounging for hours on end, chatting by the pool, wandering aimlessly and falling in love with my city, short skirts, gelato dripping down my palms as I sit by the river.
March left without leaving its mark in the diary, it slipped away to the cemetery of winter months I don't remember. March will inevitably retreat into oblivion, its only keepsakes a few journal entries and unexpected notifications. Google Photos displays a big red exclamation mark, reminding me I have to clean up after myself, the storage is full and will spill out soon. I catch myself opening my camera roll, aching to revisit a moment lost too soon. A year ago, two summers ago, when times were exciting and ‘newness’ was the word of the season. I’m reminded of the past cold months and their depressing colour palette. Those are the months I spend complaining to whoever will listen how I should either move away or learn how to ski, there’s no in-between to have a good time when it’s freezing out.
In the most cliché, out-of-a-movie way, March left and April brought the sun along, a reminder that there will be hotter days, and it’s time to wake up. I’m a big milestones girl, I fear when we grow up milestones will only involve other people, mainly the children we’re expected to have. Perhaps a baby will be the third milestone after graduation, a couple of years after the wedding we’re supposed to have. After that, it’s all about them, us, parents dissolved into a shell of who we used to be.
As someone who looks forward to and celebrates milestones, I see them everywhere. Another month, the new moon, equinoxes and solstices, going up a year, birthdays, new years, breakups and reunions. I celebrate a month since-, and a year after-, then 3 and so on. My calendar is filled with reminders of what happened sometime in the past, and I ache to relive moments that have lost the profound meaning they once had. I fear the current ‘Big Moments’ will lose their importance and only be remembered as nostalgic good old times. When there hasn’t been a meaningful milestone in a while I seek it out, making new plans, trying something I’ve never done before. On April first, I decided to go on a first date, celebrating the refreshing breeze and the promise of a new month by welcoming a new boy into my life. Maybe this spring will be full of him.
‘Summer Anxiety’ was meant to be the title of this entry, but as it’s coming along, I no longer find it fitting. I was anxious, it’s true, the dullness of the winter semester felt like it was going to seep into the summer break. I was meant to stay lonely, unemployed, lazy and bored. I can't find anything to do with myself, and yet, there’s a lot of promise for the coming times. Over the first week of the month, so many opportunities arose. I’m tempted to say it was because of the change of seasons and the last month of uni, or that I manifested it through my interminable daydreams, but truly, it was something I worked hard for. (Cue the emails I was sending in February). My efforts paid off, truly. Days after writing about the desperation of not having a plan, the picture I was sketching of my dream summer took shape. A week later, I’m employed, moving, and making plans far more ambitious than I allowed myself to make. ‘Anxiety’ is no longer a fitting title, anticipation sounds more like it.
I named my spring playlist “Please give a warm welcome to this current mood” in the hopes of entering a new era, a fresh start. This was about a month ago, and perhaps a sign that manifestation works.
Classes ended quietly, finals are being studied for. In two weeks I will officially be done and onto better things. In three, I’ll be moving out to the city and working in a place I’ve never been to. New environments, new responsibilities and new people, so much to look forward to, but not until I’ve passed my exams.
Here’s what you can expect from the next entry. Don’t take this as a promise, it’s more of a prediction for what’s to come, a prophecy of sorts. I’m speaking it into the universe and claiming the best of energy
reflections on finals, and ending a year of university
moving, the joys and stresses. roommates, interiors, and new places, fresh energy
a completely different neighbourhood, one I always dreamt of living in
newfound freedom
finding myself professionaly, clarity
hot days, lounging, swimming, going out, wandering about town, summer.
As always, I am leaving you with a moodboard for the next few weeks. Please share your little victories with me, I love to hear what you’re up to. If you’re new here, welcome, this is a safe space, I hope you find comfort and inspiration in the little moments of my life. We’re growing together here.
Until next time xx
Anyways I love your writing 🤍
Thank you for getting me excited for this summer season! I find it comforting that my own thoughts are shared by someone else out there :)