All around me lay old ideas
On boredom and nostalgia
While trying to occupy myself three days after the end of my first semester of university I get stumped and scared away back to my phone. All around me are abandoned projects haunting me into an endless scroll that won’t make me feel as much as looking back will. I opened my wardrobe and at first I was overwhelmed by the mess that I was facing, then it was the nostalgia. While digging for an old embroidery project I wanted to finish, I faced memories from school, heaps of crumbled shopping bags I kept in an altruistic pledge to myself to be more eco friendly and never reused, clothing that was once my favorite covered in dust on my floor, receipts, accessories, instruction manuals and much more. I spent the day in my bedroom and I cannot escape past versions of me that lived here and left traces in every corner. I wonder then, what would it be like to move and completely start anew. To bring noting but the essentials and be free from the nostalgia carried in seeing my things that aren’t really mine. Would I see myself change completely without the reminders of who I’ve been before? Or perhaps I’d collect new trash that will eventually overwhelm me not for the sentimentality but because all it really is is clutter? Thoughts like these occupy my mind once in a while, when leaving my bedroom won’t be much more entertaining than sitting on the living room couch, and when leaving my house means seeing all the other suburban houses that look just like mine. There isn’t a single thing within walking distance that could entertain me tonight, but I want to feel, and feel I do when I open up memories of the past. I find old math homework , trinkets friends have given me, clothes I borrowed and never gave back, letters, unfinished artwork, finished journals. This makes me sad for all that ‘could’ve been’ and never was, because I’m indecisive, always striving for more and never ending up finishing anything, left feeling disappointed. My favorite things will end up there someday, so why even bother with their current significance, if everything is destined to be dismissed and discarded. This is very materialistic of me, and I hate myself for it, I want to once experience complete detachment from the physical, through ways I do not yet know of.
An update on the blog and why I’m back.
I’m aware and embarrassed that almost all my entries start with ‘hi, did you miss me ?I’m on vacation and back’. This is easily explained by what I wrote about above, the constant search for more exciting projects which leads to me abandoning current, good ones. I’m back, hopefully for more than a single post. I’ve been reading substack blogs and I love the niche, intellectual cool girl posts I’ve been seing, I want to be part of the club (might someday share favorites). There’s so much fascinating slow content here and if I will carve a part of the Internet for myself I want it to be here. Also, I want to learn how to type fast, and have a new creative outlet. More on that soon maybe. So I’m back, enjoy my spiraling thoughts.