On being lazy
A consistent feeling of letting yourself down
I’m on vacation. On a break from the continuous struggle to keep up with my studies, mornings spent in a rush trying to get ready, days learning and complaining about learning when I have free time, evenings spent tired or doing work, nights trying to recuperate all the lost energy, but still being consumed by anxious thoughts about the next day. And this cycle doesn’t stop until there’s a day when you’re on vacation, for me that was a week ago, and I still have one more week to go.
Before that day, you plan, you dream of all the fun, relaxing, enjoyably productive things you will do. For me that was spending time with loved ones, letting go of the stress of school, reading, working out, going outside, anything goes. What I wasn’t expecting, but probably should’ve, is that I will be lazy. So lazy that, in fact, nothing on my vacation bucket list will be checked off. Why? Because it’s an unconscious rebellion against the constant busyness of everyday life, because reading and working out still feel productive, despite their leisurely nature. It’s all in our minds and controlling the urge to waste time instead of spending it wisely is so compelling we can’t resist. For me, it’s screen time. I know I’m not the only one who likes to indulge in quick dopamine accessible right at my fingertips, instead of “working” for actually valuable things.
There’s so much more I feel like I have to say but sometimes it’s so hard to put a feeling into words. There’s is a feeling within me that I can’t put my finger on, a certain mix of disappointment and nothingness, a tension I can’t release. I want to write about it but how can I, if I don’t even know what it is?
I wrote this post about a week ago, but I left it in my drafts because I wanted to add on to it later. I didn’t do that because I didn’t know how, it feels so scary being vulnerable sometimes, even with yourself. So now I’ll publish it hoping that someday I’ll look back and see growth, see that I’ve found the clarity I’m longing for.